I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
