My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize