I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
