i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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