Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
