My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
