she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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