): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
