She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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