He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
