Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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