Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Randomize
