theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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