1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
