I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
