i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
