I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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