I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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