i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
