Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
