There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
