I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
