im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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