The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
