I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
