He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
