Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
