Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
