I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
