The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
