we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
