2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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