Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
