I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
