id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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