Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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