The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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