I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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