I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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