I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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