I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
