she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
