The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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