dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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