dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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