You're my little dorito
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
