I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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