Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize