I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
