I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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