She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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