Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Don't make out with my wife yet
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
