"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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