How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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