I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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