he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
