mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
