she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
