So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
