the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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