We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
