So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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