Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
